Hmm... OK, this just got weirder. Apparently it's not all the models, because I've isolated a few but was able to access some of them. So, I don't really know what to think.
Love solving my own problems... apparently calling static methods using Self:: works on my local server, but it needs to be self:: on the production server. I'm going to pretend it didn't take me like four hours to figure that out.
thanks for that, saved me about 3 hours. laravel so awesome yet so frustrating.
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